Holy crap, I'm engaged!

Holy shit, horoscope.

It's challenging for you to coordinate your natural desire for security with your current career goals. You may need to risk some of your apparent safety in order to make progress at work. But feeling vulnerable is not as scary as the thought of missing a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Even if the future doesn't turn out quite as rosy as it now looks, you'll never forgive yourself if you don't give it your best shot.

You guys should check out www.badabang.org.

It's pretty much my new home now. Although I am reading your entries every single day!

xoxo to you Livejournal for being a great source of comfort since I was 14. You're the best.

An older, smelling-like-an-ashtray regular customer enters the store. He is NOTORIOUS for talking your ear off and holding his money back so that you have to listen to him talk and talk and talk and talk about NOTHING IN PARTICULAR, before he gives you the money. He hasn't been in the store since we added our gate at the first entrance (so that there's one way in and one way out) and of course, this started his conversation with himself...

"Wow, you changed the store around, huh? Why, for security purposes? Is it helping? Oh, one way in and one way out? Oh so you go in this way and out that way? Oh. Hey, do you have any gin in these little bottles? Oh, I don't know baby, any kind. Does that tall black guy still work here? The one that worked at Ingle's, too? I did some work on his house, I did the painting. And I got almost done with it and then I had to go to south Georgia and then my truck got broke and I couldn't make it back up to finish it! My engine just went out and I was almost done, we had done the rolling and everything. But, you know, I just couldn't get back up there and that was back in June. But, I got a new truck now, my mom gave it to me. It's real nice, a 4-cylinder, little red Ranger. She got it in 1996, it's a 1994. It runs real good, just got a scratch on the door. And I got four sisters and five brothers so she told me to tell them I bought from her, 'cause you know, they'll all get mad 'cause they ain't got cars either. But you know, she's pushing 80. And she decided she wasn't driving anymore. A cat bit her on her ankle and that got it infected. The bone underneath got infected from a cat bite, can you believe that? So she decided she weren't gonna drive anymore 'cause a cat bit her and it got infected. And she called me on my birthday, my birthday was Friday the 13th and she told me she was gonna give me the truck 'cause she wasn't gonna drive anymore 'cause a cat bit her and I said well it's not a very unlucky day when you get a truck, huh? But it's right out here, it's real nice, a red Ranger, it's a 1994, but she got it in 1996..."

Sweet. Jesus.

Today, I went with Jason to one of his clients' houses to pick up a check and discuss a project for J to do. Normally I don't go with him on these adventures and if I do, I just hang out in the truck. But for some fancyschmancy reason, Jase really wanted me to come inside and meet the guy. I think I even groaned a bit and put up a fuss (Hi, I'm 5 years old). But he insisted (Hi, I also do as I'm told) so I went inside.

And boy, am I glad I did (Hi, I've also gone back to 1958 golly gee whiz oh boy!).

This client, Eric, is a musician. Actually, I should probably call him a guitarist. Not only was his house beautiful, but this guy had... his passion for guitar and music basically exploded all over the house. And it was amazing. In one corner of the room was his recording equipment, guitars on stands and an entire bookshelf FULL of notebooks (with, I assume, songs written inside), books on guitar, tab books, chord books, etc. All over his walls were these huge art pieces of guitars. He had the "anatomy" of a classical guitar framed and hanging on the wall. He had porcelain guitar statues on his shelves, Tommy in the DVD player and a Flamenco guitar CD on the couch. The guy has serious passion about this guitar business. Obviously.

And I don't know what it is, but ALL IT TAKES for me to get all fired up about acting when I'm feeling down is seeing someone as passionate as I am about ANYTHING. I walked in and my breath was seriously taken away. Seeing his love for the guitar... I can't even describe it. I'm being super incoherent now and I... apologize.

All of that to say that I love when people are passionate about something. And as we were leaving, I said to Jason, "God. That was amazing." He said, "I knew you'd love it, that's why I had to take you in." I told him about how it totally fired a light under my ass and then mentioned how when I was younger and my bedroom was the garage, I really wanted a stage in there with lights and stuff so I could practice and rehearse lines and feel like a real actor. I said, "When I get a house, I will have one!"

He said, "Wanna do it at mine?"

And then we went to Lowe's. GUYS. GIRLS. ANIMALS, VEGETABLES AND MINERALS. My boyfriend BUILT A STAGE in his spare bedroom. It took him about 45 minutes and it was DONE. It's... amazing. It's not huge, obviously, but it's just like the stage we had in our drama classroom in high school. When I first learned it was okay to get up there and do my stuff. I was just... blown away by him. We decided to paint it black and hang black curtains behind it. He even fixed the spotlights already in the room so that they were all pointing to the stage and creating actual stage lights. And since he was already deciding on building himself a booth to do his voiceover projects, he decided to turn the huge closet in this room into a VO room. He can set up a desk, the mic and everything. I was like, "This can be our art room!" because he can even shoot his photography in there.

He said building the stage was cathartic for him. It made him feel good and then he stood on it and delivered a monologue, raving about how good it felt and how it seemed like he was really on stage.

This entry is very poorly written and I'm sorry. Part of it is seriously because I'm so DAMN excited about having a stage to work on, that I can't even function on typing.

To be with someone who is so passionate about everything makes my life quite the production. Literally.

A year or so ago, an old LJ friend of mine ring_them_bells posted about a book called In Character: Actors Acting. It's a book of actors... acting. GLAD I COULD SUM THAT UP FOR YA. No, seriously, they give the actors a line like "You are... a judge listening to a child molester beg for leniency" and they act it out in character and the photographer grabs these amazing shots. They're not all that dramatic, but that's just an example. Steve Guttenberg does one of my favorites, "You are... a little kid on your first visit to the zoo as an elephant takes a peanut from your hand."

So I always remembered this book and that it was always ridiculously expensive. Like 50 bucks (worth every penny, mind you). BUT, guess who found a used copy (with only one tear in the dust jacket) for 7.98 plus 3 dollars shipping? Meeeeee! I got it yesterday and I can't stop reading it! The photos are amazing and I've been acting out the lines myself as an acting exercise. A lot of the actors also give some advice and talk about acting. So inspiring. Mainly because I feel EXACTLY the same way as most of them. Like Natasha Richardson (miss her so much) who said "I always wanted to be an actor from an early age". And Richard Dreyfuss who said "I mean my ambition, my acceptance of my designation as an actor, my self-definition, my ambition to achieve it totally and completely, were all born in that instant. Like the big bang theory. I had a nuclear pellet. It never wavered and it never ended and it never weakened. And it was a pulsing, driving, absolute part of my life that created all my momentum and absolute certainty about my future. So that I went through all the years of teenage struggling and looking for work, and TV and agents and all that, thrilled. Thrilled because I absolutely knew that at the end, I would make it. Absolutely without question".

He goes on about how he was never discontent or harbored any angst during the years of looking for work because he was having such a blast! Which is exactly how I feel. I'm getting my feet wet and while before, I felt stuck, now I feel enlightened. I'm having a blast going on auditions and updating my websites and taking new headshots and creating resumes. This is have the fun. And because I know I'll make it. As he said, "Absolutely without question"!

Here's a link for anyone interested. I guess it's geared more towards actors, but if you enjoy photography (I'm looking at you, Cedermark), you should preview it. It's fantastic.

IN OTHA NEWZ. I got an email yesterday from People Store about scheduling a time to sign my contract and update the website with my stuff and also join two other websites, nowcasting.com and 800casting.com. That's a big part of the submission process, which I had no idea. Most agents these days want you to join all these other websites and submit electronically. To be honest, I always thought these sites were scams, but most casting directors prefer this method. Talk about a whole new era! The Old Hollywood Casting Couch is long gone and that kind of makes me sad. But I'm all about integrity in this business and so was old Hollywood, so I think the flame still burns. And um, what the fuck. That sentence didn't even make SENSE. Sorry.

And I haven't mentioned it in a while, but work (like, the liquor store, not acting) is going... surprisingly well. I've just decided that I'm not going to hate it and dread it every day. I'm not going to be there forever. And in the meantime, it pays well for not much work and come on. The comedy writes itself in there. Seriously. It's ridiculous. I'm thinking of creating a blog called The Liquor Store or something and just posting stories that happen in there. It should really be a sitcom, no lie. What do you think? Would people read it?

Buenos dias! Bonjour! Guten tag! Aloha! Hi!

Thank you for riding "It's a Small World" today here at The Magic Kingdom! Please grab all your belongings and exit the tram to your right.

Sooo I said I would give details on that whole agent shmagent thing (see, I'm so big now I don't even care that I have an AGENT - omg yes I totally do). And here I am! Am I a follow-through kinda gal or WHAT? Don't answer that.

Alright, so I show up at the call-back auditions feeling totally cool and calm and THAT IS A HUGE LIE. All that big talk I did in my entry about getting (originally, I spelled that as gitting. Just so you knows) rid of the anxiety was exactly that. A lot of big talk. I had dinosaurs raging against the mysterious "they just up and died" disease in my stomach. That's how intense this shit was. I kept telling myself "Dude. You're going to get this. You're awesome. This is just a HUGE stepping stone and that water your about to cross over is your anxiety, that's all." (I actually wasn't thinking that 'cause I just made it up, but it makes sense, non?).

I walk in and the receptionist that I know from Sketchworks and stuff is there and she immediately makes me feel relaxed. She starts talking to me about what a great show we had Monday night for the Girls' Fight Club benefit and just being really chill and calm, not at all intimidating which is what I needed. Just to throw that out there, they are very warm and welcoming in this agency. More than I would've thought which is GREAT. Totally what us fragile, insecure, ego-ridden actors need, you know?

So she hands me a script after combing through the file folder and says "Hmmm which one do I want to give you... let's see... ooh. Here. I wanna give you this one." She hands it to me and I sit down to read it and get familiar with it. It was a cute little "dark comedy" script about a girl who says she has to take pills to get through weddings because she's single. I didn't connect with it right away, but after about 10 minutes I was feeling better.

I'd only been there for about 15 minutes when they called me back to audition. I met the owner and the other film agent and spoke with them for a second (totally making them laugh, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW) since they weren't there at my first audition. Anyway, it's a TOTALLY quick audition. I did the reading, they said it was great, asked me my age and then told me to call back the next day and check in to see what's up.

I left feeling not 100% confident, 'cause I didn't do the reading as well as I would've liked. But the next day when I callllled... well. Obviously i did well! I've been put on a 6 month contract 'cause they apparently have a lot of girls in my age range already. But as my agent said I "have more character" which made me feel like a million bucks. I just can't wait to start getting submitted for stuff. I really can't and I hope I make my way through and start getting tons of auditions. I'm just ready to really, really sink my teeth in, you know?

I want to be an actor. I am going to be an actor.

Gotta sign my contract this week and I also have an audition for student films for the Art Institute this week. No pay, but experience. And that's what I really need right now. Plus if I get cast, I can always put it on my demo reel, you know?

I am so happy.

PS - Can I just say how I want an entire room filled with miniatures? I forgot how obsessed and in love with them I am until Jason and I went to Lowe's today and I stood with my mouth open for 15 minutes watching the little Christmas town scenes. God, i love that stuff. I WANT THEM AND I WANT THEM NOW.

PPS - Jason introduced me to baked squash and it is the MOST AMAZING THING EVER. Dare I say it... almost as good as chocolate for that yummy, comforting food feeling. I wouldn't lie to you people.

PPSSSPSPPSS - Life is good. Did you know that? Now you do.

So. I have an agent.

My time is coming. :D

(I promise to update with details when I'm not at work)

I always wanted to be an actress from a very early age. And for me it was like a vocation. I couldn't imagine doing anything else.
- Natasha Richardson

Today I have my call-back audition for The People Store talent agency!

I am beyond excited and not the least bit nervous.

Which leads me to a recent discovery. Whenever I have been nervous before auditions, it's not because I'm nervous about acting or nervous about the people. It's always that I don't know what to expect. I don't know where to park, how do I get in the building, did I wear the right clothes, I didn't bring a monologue, etc. And that is just the anxiety-ridden person inside of me. And she's not a big deal, really. Just in moments of unknown. I mean, this applies everywhere. I get anxious going into restaurants by myself if I've never been there before. But I only have to go once and then I can go in there by myself, order a full meal and look up instead of hiding behind the curtain of my hair.

Which I've done since I was a wee little tot and my family called me Cousin Itt. Don't judge.

The point is this. I am a good actor. I am going to be a professional actor. Partly because of my talent, but the rest is because of my drive and my passion. I've never been so passionate about anything in my entire life and I've been like this since I was 3 and could tell people that I wanted to be an actor. I can remember in 6th grade, writing "actress" in the career choice box while other girls wrote "movie star". I can remember dressing in a black cocktail dress and carrying around my fake Oscar for career day in high school. I can remember BUYING the fake Oscar within the first two minutes of walking into Universal Studios when I was 7. And I can remember thinking about that Oscar since I was 5 and went to the park for the first time.

Sometimes I just let my anxiety run its course because I know when I get in there, I'm going to blow them away. Sometimes I try and talk myself down from it.

Sometimes I write about it in my journal, take a deep breath and remind myself that I am going to make it. So what's the point in even a little bit of stress? None. C'est fini.

'ELLO WORLD. TOP OF THE MORNIN' TO YA.

I am doing laundry, watching the episodes of "Will & Grace" where they try to make a babywaby, drinking a Coke and seriously wishing I hadn't asked Jase to call me in the morning so I could go run. And YES, I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW ALL OF THIS.

FURTHERMORE, hereto, thereafter and THUS, I am dumb enough to ask my super athletic, up at the ass-crack of dawn (5:00AM, PEOPLE. FIVE IN THE MORNING. IN. THE. MORN. ING.), adorable boyfriend to please call me at the cleavage of dawn (6:00AM, PEOPLE. SIX IN THE MORNING. IN. THE. MORN. ING.) so I could wake up, go for a run and be refreshed enough to shower, pack my bag for a sleepover at his and pack a lunch for work.

I mean, really? It is now 11:42 pm and I am not in bed. I don't know if Jason's aware of this or not, but 6:00am is like... the middle of the night. I mean, that's dead-time. The time of zombies. Not Safe To Be Out Running time. Especially if that Die Hard villain is loose on the streets again. I can't believe he didn't say "Baby, what?! 6:00am? But honey, you need that extra two hours of sleep. I know you do. You can't possibly function that early and it'll only make you grumpy and curse the world and wish Pandora had that box shoved up her ass because obviously the first goddamn evil to fly out of it was THE ALARM CLOCK and then you'll have your day at the liquor store WHICH SUCKS ENOUGH ALREADY completely ruined. Get some sleep, gorgeous girl who does not need to go running even one mile, it'll only hurt your dainty feet and sexy knees. And I'll be over with chocolate chip pancakes. And cheese and butter grits. And coffee. And sex after your food coma."

No. No. NO. You know what Jason said?! He said "Ok sweet thing!"

....

If I don't regret this in the morning... I'll... well fuck that doesn't make any sense. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO IF I DON'T REGRET THIS. I guess enjoy the light crisp of the morning air VOMIT and the chirping birds I DIDN'T KNOW YOU MADE NOISES OTHER THAN HOOT HOOT and the glorious morning the world has bestowed upon me all shiny and ready and waiting for any opportunity I may find within it.

I'm hoping these opportunities include hookers and blow. 'Cause after this 6:00am wake-up call, I'll need a pick-me-up.